Why Asking for Help Is So Hard
Shame and pride keep more people stuck than a lack of talent ever will. Here is why the words "can you help?" are so difficult to say, and what changes when you finally say them.
I had a great conversation this morning with a member of my organization about something that has been on my mind for years: asking for help.
In all the years I have been in leadership, it still amazes me how often we offer someone help and they never take us up on it. The offer is real. The resources are available. The door is standing open. And nothing happens.
This is not isolated to real estate. I have had these conversations with business owners, friends, pastors, industry leaders, and people from just about every walk of life. Different rooms, same pattern.
So why is asking for help so difficult?
Shame and pride: the two reasons we stay silent
I keep coming back to two things.
Shame tells you the question exposes you
Sometimes we are ashamed to admit we do not have the answer. We convince ourselves that asking for help reveals a weakness, that the question itself is evidence we do not belong in the room. So we sit quietly in the meeting, nod along on the call, and hope nobody notices what we do not know.
What actually happens is the opposite. The people who ask questions are the ones others assume are engaged. The silence we think protects us is the thing that isolates us.
Pride tells you that you should already know
Other times it is pride. Ego tells us we should already have this figured out. We should be able to work it out on our own. We do not need anyone else. Pride is more socially acceptable than shame, which makes it more dangerous. It sounds like independence. It looks like self-reliance. But the outcome is identical: the problem stays unsolved, and it stays unsolved longer than it had to.
Shame says I am embarrassed that I do not know. Pride says I refuse to admit that I do not know. Both leave you exactly where you started.
The question every leader keeps asking
I have had countless conversations with other leaders in real estate about this same issue.
How do we fill the training room?
How do we get more people engaged on the Zoom call?
How do we get agents to step into the conversations, coaching, resources, and opportunities that could genuinely elevate their businesses?
There never seems to be a perfect answer. You can improve the content. You can change the time. You can shorten the meeting, add value, remove friction, and send the reminder three different ways. Some people still will not walk through the door.
The 80/20 rule and the part we miss
Eventually, someone in the conversation brings up the Pareto Principle, better known as the 80/20 rule: roughly 20 percent of the people create 80 percent of the outcomes. In any organization, in any industry, the distribution shows up.
Here is the part of the 80/20 rule I think we sometimes miss. We treat it like a caste system. It is not one.
You do not have to stay in the 80 percent. You can decide to become part of the 20.
And nobody else can make that decision for you. Not me. Not your spouse. Not your friend. Not your pastor. Not your coach. You.
That is the uncomfortable and freeing thing about it at the same time. No one is coming to move you. But nothing is holding you either.
Four ways to start asking for help
My encouragement is simple, and none of it is complicated.
- When help is offered, take it. Do not thank someone for the offer and then quietly let it expire.
- When you do not know, ask. Ask early, while the problem is still small enough to be a question instead of a crisis.
- When someone opens a door, walk through it. Introductions, invitations, and referrals have a shelf life.
- When there is an opportunity to learn, show up. Consistency in the room beats intensity from the sidelines.
I know this works because I have lived it. Some of the greatest opportunities, relationships, growth, and success I have experienced, in business and in life, came because I was willing to admit I did not have all the answers and accepted help from someone who knew something I did not.
Every one of those moments required about four seconds of discomfort. Every one of them paid for itself many times over.
There is no shame in asking for help
There is no shame in asking for help. And there is nothing impressive about allowing pride to keep you stuck.
Do not let shame or pride dictate what you were created by God to become. You were created for more. You were created to grow. You were created to make an impact. You were created to be great.
Sometimes getting there starts with three simple words.
"Can you help?"
Common questions
Why is asking for help so hard?
Two reasons show up most often: shame and pride. Shame convinces us that not knowing something is embarrassing and should be hidden. Pride convinces us that we should already know the answer and should not need anyone else. Both produce the same result, which is a problem that stays unsolved longer than it needed to.
Is asking for help a sign of weakness?
No. In practice, the people who ask questions tend to be the ones perceived as engaged, coachable, and serious about their growth. The silence that feels protective is usually what keeps someone isolated and stuck.
What is the Pareto Principle, or 80/20 rule?
The Pareto Principle is the observation that roughly 20 percent of the inputs produce roughly 80 percent of the outputs. In an organization it often shows up as a smaller group of people generating the majority of the results, engagement, and activity.
Can you move from the 80 percent to the 20 percent?
Yes. The 80/20 split describes behavior, not identity. Participation, asking questions, taking ownership, and accepting help are decisions rather than traits, which means the group a person belongs to can change. No one else can make that decision on their behalf.
How do I start asking for help at work?
Start small and start early. Accept help when it is offered instead of letting the offer expire, ask the question while the problem is still small, walk through doors that are opened for you, and show up consistently where learning is happening. Specific questions get better answers than general ones.
Jeremy Williams is Founder and Expansion Partner of Omnia Elevate, an agent development organization within JLA Realty, serving Greater Houston, Greater San Antonio, and the Texas Coastal Bend.